This morning I woke up at 6:00 which gave me an hour and a half before my driving lesson. Somehow I still ended up needing to rush out the door and even though I was trying to get out of the house as fast as humanly possible you (Nixie) wouldn't let me leave without insisting that I needed to bring with me this very giant heavy stone,  of course I obliged.  Also before I could be on my way we needed to do our three fist-bumps,  our three high fives and our three special kisses through the letter box along with shouting “I love you!” to each other over and over until I was out of sight.  I love this thing of yours,  it's been going on for a good few weeks now. 

2 hours later When I got back home and put the keys into the door I could hear you rush towards it and when I opened it you gave me the biggest hugs ever.  Forrest and daddy were all relaxed hanging out on the couch.  All had gone well while I was gone and daddy told me how you had fed Forrest all on your own!

And my sweet little Forrest,  you are talking so much now! I love the way your mouth shapes itself into the sweetest little ring when you make your ooooo sound and how your eyes become so big and at the same time full of wonder. You experienced your first time holding a balloon today and it was amazing!  All four of us were involved in this first moment of yours and it felt so special! I like to imagine what it must feel like to have that as a first experience.  You are in such an incredible state,  you are so sensual and feel your way through everything deciding for yourself what feels good. You truly follow your heart unrestricted. 

All of us had a really sweet family cuddle time in bed and you (Nixie) were really into drawing on your magnetic drawing board and requested loads of things to be drawn by daddy, you and him are the artists in the family! I cannot draw to save my life! After a little while you and daddy went through what ingredients you needed for your dream cupcakes: rainbow cupcakes with vanilla cloud frosting.  For weeks now you've been requesting to make them,  you have created your own Pinterest folder and saved all sorts of sweet treats and the one thing they all had in common was that it was either rainbow or universe themed.  

While Nixie and daddy went to the shop to buy their ingredients you (Forrest) and I stayed in bed and I nursed you to sleep.  You haven't been sleeping very good these past few days,  you only seem to want to sleep for 10-20 min at a time and last week you were sleeping 3.5-4 hours in the morning as long as you were in the wrap, but these past few days you haven’t been wanting to even do that! But it’s been a great week, ever since Helen was here Nixie has been happy and the three of us have all been in a really great flow. I’ve also been feeling so inspired and have been in the creative flow full of photography ideas and projects. Whenever I go through these periods of opening up,  inspiration rushes into me so all I can do is write them down (and I've been doing a lot of writing!) and then I need to allow everything to settle before I’m able to begin working on stuff. I’ve been drawn inwards these past few days and I love this state of being, I just let go and enjoy the ride.  I love when I get to be in this flow, it’s been a while since I’ve felt this kind of inspiration! 

I actually managed to get Forrest to sleep on the bed so I was able to join you (Nixie) and daddy while you made cupcakes. When I came downstairs you had a whole punnet of strawberries in front of you and even though you would have loved to eat it all you only had three. Because you are three years old.  We talked about how soon everything will have to be in fours. You had so much fun putting all the ingredients together and you did have a bit of a hard time not eating everything which made me laugh, daddy was worried that you were eating so much of it that it would alter the recipe! At one point you had to stop what you were doing and rush to the toilet. You did a poo and you let me wipe you instead of daddy “as a special treat”! You sure know how to make me feel special! Ha I just love you so much! 

I thought it was so sweet that you and daddy both experienced a first,  even though he used to be a chef and had even made lots of pastries,  he had never made rainbow cupcakes.  You paused while you were meant to be helping daddy to point out some beautiful flickers of light you saw on the wall it reminded us of the light hitting the bank of the stream when we were in the woods a few days ago.  Forrest had woken up so I brought him down and he was contentedly chilling out in his chair next to us in the kitchen. When the cupcakes were put into the oven all you wanted to do was watch them rise, you were completely transfixed! You have been getting a bit giddy with Forrest, you love him so much but can be a bit over the top with him and not as gentle as you used to be, I guess now you have realised that he’s become older and not as fragile as he was when he first arrived. One of these occasions happened while waiting for the cupcakes and we had to carry you into the hallway to calm down where you had a big cry and said you didn’t know why you had hurt him but you felt really bad and came back in and said sorry and gave Forrest a big cuddle which led to a giant family cuddle.  There’s been a few times today when we’ve had to tell you to stop doing something because you weren't as gentle as you need to be and each time we try to get you to stop you get pretty angry and frustrated with us and have big enormous upsets because immediately you do feel bad about it and always apologize once you’ve calmed down. 

You (Forrest)  and I went into the living room and I discovered that throwing you up in the air gives you the best belly laughs! It was your first proper belly laugh and it is now one of my new favourite sounds you can make!  Shortly after you were ready for some boob and fell asleep. While you slept the rest of us decorated the cupcakes. The cupcakes didn’t really turn out, the colours were not very rainbow like but you (Nixie) didn’t mind! You decorated them with worms and a cobra and slugs. You were so incredibly proud of them and had to bring them into the lounge to be on display.  You couldn't wait to try one. Me and daddy felt a bit I'll afterwards as they were a bit too sugary for our liking, but you on the other hand just liked having a bite and barely ate any,  you just liked the baking part…yet another thing I love about you.  

We looked at home videos on daddy's phone and your giggles kept startling Forrest and once they scared him so that he cried!  I could see it in slow motion how first you (Forrest) looked shocked,  your eyes got big with a worried expression then your top lip quivered and then after a pause of not being sure how to react,  processing it all in you began to cry loud sobs but after a quick cuddle you stopped.  Then you wanted some more boob.  Life with you is pretty simple at the moment: you either want to be sat or stood up, given a toy to hold, or laugh at me making funny faces, having little conversations with you, then giving you boob until you fall asleep and then doing it all again (sometimes needing to add your song or belly massages if your upset).  

Daddy out of nowhere ended up dealing with an incredibly painful toothache. So bad that he needed to go lay down in bed.  The three of us hung out downstairs & you started feeling a bit unsettled which you always seem to do in the evenings but eventually after boob you fell asleep again. This excited your sister and she asked me if I could put you down so that she could have some cuddles.  

Until I could do so you (Nixie) brought your magnet drawing tablet and sat next to me while Forrest was in my arms.  I always feel bad when I can't be with you right away.  You were being so sweet asking if I could trace your hand but then instead you did yours and mine on your own. And then you drew a heart in them and a circle around them and said they were healing hands. Then we sang head shoulders knees and toes and sadly you started to sound really raspy and coldy again! 

I was never able to put Forrest down,  I did put him down in bed next to daddy but he didn't stay asleep very long and soon he was fully awake along with daddy and we decided what to do for dinner.  You wanted pasta and we wanted pizza.  It was already later than usual. Before you and daddy went to the shop we all hung out in the bedroom playing with Forrest,  you sounded worse and worse as the day went on and you must be feeling rough because you are being a bit too giddy and dealing with some big emotions and lashing out at bit. It started when I told you to stop throwing peeled off paint onto the bed, instead of stopping it made you do it even more. You were again a bit too rough with Forrest,  you didn't hurt him but you easily could have. We have one rule when we're in the family bed and that is to respect and be nice to each other and if we can't be that way we need to leave the bed.  I lifted you up and moved you off the bed, you had the biggest upset and your wails seemed to last forever but instead of getting more angry you were able to come to me for more cuddles. Which seemed like a big improvement.  It made me really happy that you have become open to cuddles when you have your upsets. Soon after you and I had lots of fun playing with your tunnel thing and I was so happy to hear your happy squeal again. 

Bedtime was a peaceful experience and you and daddy had a bath while I tried to soothe an unsettled Forrest,  his belly was hurting him,  but after a bit of massage and boob I was able to get him to sleep. When you had finished bath and had your pjs on you and daddy came down each holding your babies asking me to kiss them goodnight.  You gave me and Forrest the sweetest cuddles before you headed back upstairs.