Week 20 Year 4
For some reason I didn't sleep very well last night and kept tossing and turning. I'm pretty sure it had a lot to do with today being my last day in Sweden and it being the last time I get to spend with my mamma for I don't know how long. Even though I woke up feeling a bit tired I enjoyed the stillness and the quiet of the morning.
I laid in bed reflecting over the past few days and how strange I've felt having all this time on my own but realising how it's actually been so good for me. With everything that's happened these past few weeks, this solo time has given my body, mind and spirit a bit of space to just be rather than being constantly on the go and constantly being needed.
I had expected this trip to see my mamma to be very heavy and emotional especially as it's been so long since we last got to see each other but I was super surprised when I didn't feel as sad as I usually do. I guess I have reached a stage where I’m used to the way she is now. The intense grief I used to feel when I would notice more parts of her disappearing seems to have settled now and she is currently in a really happy loop and is no longer in any pain whatsoever, it’s pretty beautiful. I remember when she used to be in so much pain and when she used to be angry a lot but all of that seems to have gone now and instead there's a purity that has returned to her, a lightness.
When I saw her for the first time on the day I arrived she didn’t know who I was. I could feel all the emotions bubbling up in that instant, it didn't help that I was extremely tired from a night of barely any sleep and a day of traveling. Even though she didn't know who I was, she was so very happy to see me and I was so happy to see her. I told her I was her daughter, Ann and that I had missed her so much. She said she understood who I was but when I asked if she recognised me she said, “uhhhmmm not really” and in that moment I realised how vulnerable she is. I feel like she would believe anything anyone said to her and that is such a heavy thought and one I don't really like to sit with. But memories are a funny thing because they don't follow a straight line or timeline, she may not recognise me at first but when I remind her I'm her daughter then she remembers me. She always asks me the same questions: where do you live? Why did you decide to live there so far away? When are you moving back? She doesn't remember daddy and they used to be so close with each other. She doesn't remember either of you two either but when I remind her that I have two children and that she is mormor to you, she always gets so happy.
Each day I got to see her she seemed to remember me a little bit more although I did need to constantly remind her. There were even moments where I could really feel deeply connected to her and I know she felt the same with me and she would tell me that she thinks of me and how much she likes me. You, Nixie, had made her a card before I left which I brought with me to give her and she was so happy about it and would tell me over and over how much it meant to her even if I would need to remind her of who you were.
For my last visit with her today I went with Anita, your auntie and we had such an amazing time. It felt so special and when we told her we were her daughters she was absolutely amazed and became so happy. We decided to take her out for a little walk to the woods and even managed to take her to one of my favourite thinking/meditating spots which is a spot I always go to when I’m here and it felt so special taking her there. It was a bit tricky with her wheelchair so we each took her by the arm and led her to a spot with a beautiful view and then Anita held her while I rushed to get the chair for her. She seemed to really enjoy feeling the earth underneath her feet and the fresh cold air. She acknowledged how pretty it was and during our walk she kept pointing out the little baby trees over and over which would make me & Anita giggle. At one point we needed to get ourselves to a different path and it involved navigating with her wheelchair over roots and stones, it made it feel like we were on a proper adventure! My mamma got a bit scared and said she was scared for her life but she said it in such a funny way that it made us all belly laugh. Eventually we made it to the beach where we had a little picnic. Throughout our time together we needed to remind her many times of who we were and each time it would bring her so much joy finding out we were both her daughters and it was amazing to be able to have that experience over and over.
We didn’t have that much time together before we needed to head back and I needed to get to the airport so once back at her nursing home Anita left to give me some time alone with her. I’m so happy I got this time with her but it was so incredibly hard for me and so emotional. Saying goodbye really hurt. My mamma was in a very present place and even told me she didn’t want me to leave and how she was so happy that I had come and then the same questions; why do you live so far away? When will you move back? Come out and they make me feel so guilty. But at the same time it’s just love and I feel so grateful I got to feel so much love from her. I left her in tears, trying to keep them in but not really being able to but I also left with a very full heart
Anita & her friend drove me to Arlanda which I was so grateful for because it took away so much stress and allowed me to have a bit more time with my mamma. Once I had checked in and all that stuff my thoughts went directly to you guys and how excited I was to see you both. The time seemed to be going in slow motion! I had never felt so excited to get off of a plane in my entire life and I think I pretty much almost ran through border control and out the exit!
And then there you all were!! You almost made me cry with your beautiful handmade welcome home signs! It’s the first time I’ve ever had such a welcome home and it felt amazing. After a 2 hour car journey we finally made it home and the first thing we all did was get all cosy and snuggled up. You, Forrest had boob and almost instantly afterwards you fell asleep! It wasn’t long until the three of us were all asleep and it felt so good being back home with you all.